Reminder That Things Could Be Worse

There are things in our lives that we find "difficult" to deal with or that annoy us. There are times when, due to circumstances in our lives, we ask, "Why me?" And there are days, most assuredly, when we think to ourselves, "I just can't catch a break!"

Every weekday I drive the same route to work. And most every day, as I exit the Expressway to get downtown to work, I see the same homeless lady. She is usually sitting on a bench on one of two opposite corners in what is considered a small park area, but is actually bordering a very busy intersection of the main road into downtown. She has a little cart and a suitcase to carry her belongings and on most occasions she is sitting up on a bench hunched forward with her chin touching her chest looking as though she is sleeping. (The picture above, although not of her, is an extremely close depiction of how she appears.) There are very few days when she is not there - even if it is raining, I have seen her sitting there holding a sheet of plastic over her head.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have taken special note of her.....I now specifically look for her each day and I notice if she isn't there. So many times I have wondered what circumstances brought her to this place in her life. We all have a story to tell - I can only imagine what her story must be. Whatever the details of her story are, I would surely bet that devastation and/or heartbreak are woven into her story somewhere.

I know that there are people out there who have no compassion for the homeless and, in some instances, I guess I can understand that. I never see this particular woman, however, bothering anyone. I have never seen her approach anyone, never seen her with a sign asking for money and, in fact, I don't believe I've ever seen her talking to anyone. Most every time that I have seen her she is sitting slumped over on a bench.

While I cannot begin to know what she has been through or what she goes through on a daily basis, I have sympathy for her situation and, for reasons I do not know, she touches my heart.

Her situation is a constant reminder for me that, in spite of my sometimes "difficult" days or days when I think that nothing is going right, my life could be much worse and, in comparison, my worries are inconsequential. She doesn't know me, but she is a part of my day - she has no idea, but she reminds me to be thankful each day.

LOTTERY

What would you do if you won the lottery? I know people throw that question out there nowadays sometimes as a joke, but seriously, have you ever stopped to think about it? And what about the people who have won the lottery previously? What happened to them - are they still millionaires, living comfortably? Are they bankrupt or no better off than before they won the lottery - all because they didn't know how to manage that much money? I see very few "follow-up" stories about people who have previously won a lottery - regardless of if they are doing well or if they blew it all and no longer have anything to show for it. I just don't see that much written about them - some of that may be because they don't want the publicity - understood - but still you would think there would be a few stories out there. The Powerball jackpot is currently estimated at $450 MILLION (which they calculate to be cash valued at $304.1 MILLION). I just can't even fathom that much money! I know, for me, if I won, I would make sure it was going to last - I wouldn't just go out and blow it, no matter how much I may want to in the beginning in all the initial excitement. I like to daydream about it sometimes, though. I think to myself all the time - I'd be happy just winning ONE million, let alone 450 million! I've never been very lucky when it comes to things like this - - it's a nice dream though!

CELLPHONE CONVERSATIONS

Is it really necessary to hold a 15 minute cellphone conversation (using your "outside voice") of idle chit-chat while seated in a relatively quiet restaurant?  So, without any effort, you can hear everything that person is saying.  That's what I experienced today.  That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves!  Not everyone is interested in your cell phone conversation!!  I just think it's about one of the rudest things to subject everyone else to your end of the conversation.  Same goes for those people who use cell phones in a movie theater.  RUDE!

GETTING OLDER

It's weird.....I know without a doubt that I am getting older, but I keep waiting for the day that I FEEL different.  It's difficult to describe.  To me, I 'm not yet really, really old and in my mind (and if I am not looking in a mirror.....LOL), I still feel the same as I have all along.  I am still ME in my own skin. One look in the mirror, though, brings back reality and I wonder, "Where did all the years go?"  I keep waiting to feel older.  But it hasn't happened yet.  

I knew this was going to be hard to explain......LOL.  For instance, in my mind, I can picture how I used to do cartwheels as a young girl and I still FEEL like I can today - even though I know beyond a doubt that I physically can't.  And I still feel like today I could do all the dance moves that I used to do in my 20's and 30's - even though, again, I know beyond a doubt that I can't.  

I still FEEL now - in my mind - the same as I did back then.  I guess this is what is meant by "feeling young"?  

GOSSIP

It is always quite surprising to me just how fast gossip can travel within an office.  I also find it quite amusing to hear a group of people discussing how fast some news or other has circulated within the office - - all the while, I know for a fact that one of the people in that group is actually one of the biggest culprits of spreading gossip!  Quite hysterical!!  I sit in my office hearing all of this going on and simply shake my head.......LOL

NOT LISTENING

I love it when someone accuses me of intentionally not talking to them much anymore and, then, when I finally do give in and try to have a conversation, they are doing other things while I am talking.  And, because what I have just said reminds them of something, they begin a story about themselves - all the while talking over me!  So, I raise my voice and repeatedly say, "That isn't the point of my story- not the point, not the point, you're missing the point." until they finally shut up long enough for me to finish what I had started to say.  THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOU because when I do you don't even pay attention!!  Fucking annoying as hell.

CANDID POSTING

Does anyone else out there have difficulty deciding whether to post or not to post?  Do you censor your writing/posts?  Do your posts contain 100% how you feel or 100% how you feel AT THAT MOMENT?  Often, I find myself censoring my writing.  Or, as is sometimes the case, I find that what I write on a given subject could vary based on my mood or based on the time that it is written.

For instance, I look back on some posts now and think, "Why did I say that like that?" or I read old posts and think, "I don't feel that way now."  If I didn't worry so much about that sort of thing, I'd probably post all the time.  But if people I were writing about stumbled upon it, would they be able to appreciate the fact that maybe what I wrote was written in the heat of a moment or was only a temporary feeling?  Would they be mad and unable to overlook what is written?  Would they realize that what is written isn't necessarily how I feel ALL the time - just at that moment?  Would they realize how therapeutic it is to write it out and let it go?  I'm not quite sure what the answers to these questions are and maybe it depends on the person.

Truth is that once I write, especially if it's something that irritates me, I find it liberates me somewhat of the oppressive feeling I might be posting about - therapeutic in a lot of ways.  Should my feeling better, though, come at the expense of someone else's feelings?  This is why I hesitate to post sometimes.  And this is why I don't really advertise that I even have a blog.  In this way, I can continue to post anonymously for the most part.  At the same time, I can connect with those of you who just might be feeling something similar.

LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES

Well, I had said it was time to get back to blogging.....here's my first step.  I wish I could say that this first post is going to be on a positive note, but I'd be lying if I wrote that. Even though this first post may not be positive, it's ok - it doesn't define who I am.  I do my best to rise above it and not let it affect the person I have become.  And while this post will probably raise more questions than it answers, here goes....

I can't stand my own life.  Sad, but true all the same.  I am not suicidal - - that's not what that sentence means.  I should clarify - I can't stand the circumstances of my life.  While it's simple to say, "Well then change it" it's actually NOT that simple.  I know there is hope, that things can be better.  I just have to get to the point where I do what needs to be done - for myself - to MAKE things better.

Until that happens, suffice to say, I feel stuck.  There is a lot to take into consideration, a lot to ponder.  I'm trying to wade through it.  More to follow.....